The scale at the gym must be broken

As I'm 348 now.

Dude. You're fat.

No really.
Nobody has said it to my face, so I figured I'd pipe up first.

About 2 years ago, my wife hipped me to the Atkins plan, and even though she dropped out after a month, I stuck with it for about 11, at full tilt induction, losing about 75 pounds. I looked great and felt even better.

But then we closed on our first house, and the stress involved coupled with the odd diet made me susceptible to a fine case of stomach flu. I was pooping between 12-14 times a day, and not replacing my electrolytes (as Gatorade is filled with demon carbohydrate.) At a visit to my doctor's office, he checks my blood pressure and then walks me across the street and checks me into the hospital. They strapped me to a bed and pumped 6 bags of saline into me. They let me check out so I could make a festival gig with Steven Greenman, but only if I promised the doctor that I would drink Gator Aid every waking moment I was there. The festival even assigned a nurse to follow me around, and even provided a golf cart to take me from stage to stage.

After all that, I fell off the Akins wagon and did the big rebound, gaining about 10 pounds more than I lost. I took me over a year, but by God, I did it. Smoking dope or getting drunk a couple evenings a week and then eating everything that I saw for the last few months has not helped. I'm not as big as I've ever been, but I'm pretty sure close. About 6 months ago I took a fall off the stage and landed very badly on my knee, which is a hell of a wake up call. Strangely, at my annual physical (and all men over age 35 should have them) my doctor reports that my overall health is pretty damn good. "You're as healthy as and Ox," he says. "It's just you're as big as one too."

Thanks to Jewish Family Services, I got some assistance that I could ill afford. So I started seeing a therapist (though I quit him, but I might go back,) and got to going to the gym a couple times every week. Was riding my new bike too till it got that Texas hot that makes being outside seem stupid. I'm back on induction as well, but this time I plan on being not so hard-core after induction. Hopefully it will all work out, as I am 368 pounds at this writing and my nutritionist says that 240 is ideal and that she'd be thrilled with 270. That's almost where I was at 2 years ago, so it is possible. At least I tell myself that.

Wish me luck.